“Do you miss me like I miss you?
Fucked around and got attached to you.
Friends can break your heart too.
And I’m always tired but never of you.
If I pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like that shit,
I put this reel out, but you wouldn’t bite that shit.
I type a text but then I never mind that shit,
I got these feelings but you never mind that shit.
Oh, oh, keep it on the low.
You’re still in love with me but your friends don’t know.
If you wanted me you would just say so.
And if I were you, I would never let me go.”
She had driven for hours to be here. She never thought she’d get the chance to make this choice again, but here she was. Older, more unattractive than she was back then. Despite the doubt, her feet climbed the stairs without hesitation. It was the same place as before, just years later. Same situation , the roles just reversed. Had he felt this nervous all those years ago? She stood in front of the door hesitating while trying to work up the courage to knock.
Not because she’d forgotten why she came. Not because she wanted to leave. Her heartbeat had climbed so high into her throat she was half convinced he’d hear it through the door. She was partially afraid that he wouldn’t answer even if she did knock, even though he knew she was coming. He was, after-all, the one that sent the message.
The area was so familiar to her, even though she had only been here once before. Everything was gold and soft, the kind of light that made memories dangerous. Her fingers curled into the sleeve of her jacket before she finally forced herself to lift her hand and knock. Once, twice, she stopped before tapping the door a third time. Too late to take it back now.
Footsteps. God, was she actually hearing his footsteps or was she imaging it because of her anxious energy? Every nerve in her body felt like it was lit up at once. Then she heard it, the click of the lock, the turn of the handle. She looked down, afraid to look up, afraid of what she’d see on his face when he saw her. Some sort of disappointment. She hated this.
But there he was. For one suspended second neither of them spoke, her gaze going from the floor all the way to his face. He looked almost exactly the same, maybe a little more tired, maybe a little older in the quiet ways life changes people when you aren’t looking. But still him. Still painfully him.
Then he smiled. Not polite. Not surprised. Not forced. One of those smiles that actually reached his hazel eyes. The kind she used to chase without realizing she was doing it, the kind that he had on his face the moment she knew she was in love with him.
Her chest tightened so hard it almost hurt.
She wanted to shrink down to nothing under the weight of it. Wanted to throw herself at him at the exact same time.
God. She still loved him.
“Hey,” he said softly.
And there it was, his voice exactly the way she remembered it. Warm gravel and familiarity. Like coming home and realizing home still remembered you too. Her brain completely abandoned her. She had planned words on the drive over. Entire conversations. Careful things. Casual things. None of them survived the sight of him standing there looking at her like that.
Nothing came out, but apparently her body knew what to do even if her mind didn’t. She stepped forward before she could second guess herself, arms wrapping around him in one desperate motion that was probably too tight and too sudden and far too honest.
For half a heartbeat she wondered if she’d made a mistake.
Then his arms closed around her. Firm. Immediate. Like instinct.
A shaky breath left her as he pulled her fully inside, the door swinging shut behind them while she buried her face against his shoulder and tried very hard not to fall apart right there in his arms. A flood of warmth spread over her as she relaxed against him, tilting her head up so her lips could meet his as he gently pushed her back against the door. Why did he feel like coming home?
Then she woke up. The room dark, feeling foolish. Back to reality, back to work. Away from the memories and longings that shouldn’t be there but they are. Meh.
“You ever wonder what we could have been?
You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did
Lie to me, lie with me, get your fucking fix
Now all my drinks and all my feelings are all fucking mixed
Always missing people that I shouldn’t be missing
Sometimes you gotta burn some bridges just to create some distance
I know that I control my thoughts and I should stop reminiscing
But I learned from my dad that it’s good to have feelings”